TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have another position in which American Males can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: supply everyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You recognize, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a function becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. Trump Tower Damascus A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down support."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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